Do you feel that at times, your spouse does not respect your leadership and the decisions you are making? Well, if this is the case for you, you are not alone. If you are the spouse of someone who is gone a lot for their work (e.g. military, corporate executive, sales, medical profession), you know that many tasks in your home are single-handedly tackled by you instead of what would typically be covered together. When the spouse who is gone a lot returns home, they step into a workflow that was designed around their absence, and that can be a real adjustment for everyone involved. If, for example, you married after you left the military (or possibly remarried), there may be stark differences between how you’re accustomed to making decisions and dividing labor that may not be working too well for your spouse. After all, our spouses experience different emotional and power dynamics in their work, social, and home lives, just as we do.
As a married couple, we can never forget that God has designed each person with a unique set of gifts and abilities. No two people are created the same but yet when we are brought together in marriage; we become ONE or co-equal partners. The word “I” must no longer dominate our vocabulary and decisions, goals and future planning should be done in the context of what is best for the family. It is important to remember that the spouse who spends more time managing what goes on in the home has a VERY important leadership role so if their decisions and judgement is constantly being scrutinized the person who is doing this can step on toes and complicate family life. Here are few suggestions on how to negotiate healthy boundaries.
- Enjoy being a team
A lot of marital conflict arises from being overly task oriented rather than team oriented. Your marriage is a special place in your life, a safe haven where you should always have someone who loves you, supports you and has your back. When our primary focus becomes the tasks we have to accomplish, rather than the relationship, our focus gets out of alignment and we forget the blessing of having a teammate. - Reflect on your spouse’s best qualities
What attracted you to your spouse—interesting conversations, fun and spontaneity? As you got to know each other better, what qualities and abilities did your spouse have that maybe you lacked—an ability to make or repair things, an eye for design, a giving nature, organizing, patience? If you are getting into a power struggle in an area where your spouse shines, why? Maybe this is an opportunity to step back and benefit from those abilities. Let them lead in the areas they shine. Why try to control everything? - Be a spectator
When we are accustomed to being a leader, we tend to automatically shift into that mode, especially when it comes to our family. It is important to remember that your spouse is a capable person with his or her own way of doing things, and you get to reap the benefits of that, if you will just let it go and allow them the freedom to run with it. As an example, if your family is supposed to be heading out the door on a Saturday morning to get somewhere, you might be focused on making sure your kids are dressed and in the car at the appropriate time (sounds reasonable right?). However, what you may not know is that your spouse (the one who has the primary leadership role of managing the home) is “playing the long game,” teaching the kids time management skills so they are able to manage their own time and schedule. If you jump in and start directing traffic too soon, you may derail the true objective. - Have a vision
If you could write the toast that would be given at your 50th wedding anniversary, what would you want it to say? I often think about this and I am humbled by the thought of it. When I think about what I would want said, it challenges me to do better and to not make such a big deal out of the small things in life. For example, we should not allow day-to-day power struggles to interfere with the love story we want told. How cool would it be that if it was your kids’ giving the toast for them to say, “we want a marriage just like Mom and Dad.” If you focus on the bigger picture, and what you want to aspire to have, it will be much easier to respect your spouse and their leadership role.
God Bless,
Doug Hedrick