Have you ever seen the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding? My family sat down the other day and watched both the original and the sequel. I forgot how funny it was, especially the practice of using Windex to heal most physical ailments. Of particular interest though were the expectations that were involved when marrying into a Greek family. You did not just marry your spouse; you married the entire family. You had little to no boundaries between you and the rest of the family. Your business was their business, your personal space, their personal space, your food, their food. This may describe your family is some way and if it is, it may be causing some strife and you need some suggestions on how to make your situation better. The good news is that there is a better and healthier way to live, in my opinion, that protects your marriage while honoring your extended family. Here is what I mean…

When we get married, we double the familial expectations we have to negotiate. On top of our own expectations of how we thought marriage should be, our parents may have had this grandiose image about what life with married adult children and grandchildren should look like. Sometimes their vision might not match yours. Your family might engage in some push and pull with your in-laws, as everyone advocates to get their share of time with you. Your relatives might actually lack the awareness of your family’s needs and responsibilities, or simply not take the time to find them out. Regardless, the fact is, we tend to assume a lot of stress when trying to conform to others’ expectations.

It is normal to struggle with a sense of responsibility to your extended family, particularly your parents. It would be great if we could make everyone happy. But when that’s not possible (which is often the case), we feel pulled in multiple directions. Usually we shield our parents from this and end up in conflict with our spouse, instead. Consciously or not, we expect spouses to flex so that we can avoid conflict with our own extended family. Unfortunately, this often places stress on our own marriage.

This is an important point to remember. As a married couple, you must stay firmly focused on the fact that your spouse is your most important relationship and teammate. Together, you should develop boundaries so that you don’t burn yourselves out trying to please everyone else. After all, (and this is easy to forget when negotiating with extended family) your primary responsibility is to your spouse (1st), and children if you have them (2nd).

When we leave our childhood home and take marriage vows, our parents sometimes forget that the family we have now formed is to be our first concern. Because of our love and pull to show proper respect and honor to them, in moments of conflict we forget, too. So, how do we begin to set proper boundaries?

First, communicate with your spouse and make a decision together. This point can’t be emphasized enough, especially if this is an issue that is causing strife and division in your marriage (whether newly married or married for twenty years). I know it may be a little uncomfortable, and possibly painful to discuss this topic with your spouse, but you can only “kick the can down the road” for so long. If you need to, bring in a neutral third party to help you discuss it (e.g. pastor, counselor, another couple you trust), so you can work through it and bring about a positive resolution, then do it. Isn’t it better to have a strong and healthy marriage then to have unnecessary stress eating up your relationship? Together, make a decision about what you can reasonably do. If you find you must say no to a request, don’t let your discomfort dictate your words. There’s no need to apologize and feel bad about the boundaries you have established. Remember to be polite, respectful and keep it simple.

Second, don’t fall into the trap of trying to convince your family to see things your way. Your goal is only to explain what you have decided. If, on occasion, you and your spouse are setting boundaries based more on one person’s needs rather than on the other person, do not hide behind the spouse whose needs are more so being met when you explain your decision (i.e. don’t use them as a scapegoat). Be clear about your decision, and if you mention your spouse, do so only in the context of affirming their needs.

Third, the only behavior you can control is yours. If someone reacts to your decision with anger or disappointment, you can feel and express compassion without jumping in to “fix” things. A negative reaction to your decision does not mean you made the wrong decision. You have to decide ultimately what is in the best interest of your immediate family, first. Remember, what I said earlier, you will not always be able to please everyone.

I encourage you to not saddle yourselves with incredibly challenging itineraries or tasks because you feel a sense of obligation to make everyone happy, without fully thinking through how unhappy and dissatisfied your own nuclear family will be. Instead, do what you can, and present a united front whenever you have to say a matter-of-fact “no”. And from a guy who is naturally a people pleaser, I cannot tell you how powerful and good it makes me feel when I actually was able to get to the point of being able to say “no.” You can do this. God does not want you to live a stressed out life, especially when it involves your family. Remember that God loves you and has promised to be with you wherever you may go.

God Bless,

Doug Hedrick