The Power of the Compliment

Has this ever happened to you? You notice something your spouse is doing that bothers you and you decide to bring it up, only to be told in not so many words that you do not appreciate the things they do right. On the surface, this criticism seems unfair. Of course, you notice the good things your spouse does! But here is the kicker: how often do you actually acknowledge it? If you typically communicate more of what is wrong than what is right, you are out of balance and you need to change your focus. Here are a few practices that will help you get refocused while dramatically improving your relationship. Here is what I mean…

Learn to notice. This is a key ingredient to be able to give an authentic compliment. Make it a point to be consciously aware of the things your spouse does well as opposed to just noticing it in passing (i.e. you are engaged and actively thinking about and looking for the good things they do well). One of the fringe benefits of this practice is that once you start doing it, it will help you to be a more positive person in general because your focus and perspective on things will change. The goal of this practice is that you will ultimately see your spouse and life through a different lens.

Say it in the moment. The best compliments are often spontaneous. Don’t wait to give your compliment when you can make the impact now! It is important to deliver the compliment as soon as you notice it. Doing this affirms your love and appreciation for your spouse because you took time to give them a compliment in that moment. I love this saying by Theodore Roosevelt, I think it applies a little here, “people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

Be genuine. A generic compliment like, “your hair looks nice,” is not going to cut it. Sorry, but these shallow, unemotional compliments ring false, and can do more harm than good. If you’re going to give a compliment, make sure you mean it. Your spouse will typically see right through a compliment that is not genuine. When you notice that your spouse looks wonderful or at least is working hard to look wonderful, make your compliment count. Maybe instead of saying “your hair looks nice,” try, “I really like what you are doing different with your hair.” When you notice the small things, it makes a bigger impact and it comes across as being more genuine.

Be specific. This is closely tied to that last point. What is it about what they are doing different with their hair you like? That said there are a lot of opportunities to compliment your spouse beyond physical appearance or what they made for dinner. You might respect the decision they made for something regarding your children, a thoughtful act, something they know how to do well (especially if you don’t), or the way they interact with your kids or parents. Of course, if he or she makes awesome chili, tell them that, too. It is very important to notice the little things, and share the details when you give a compliment—especially the affect your spouse’s action had on you (e.g. you make me feel special and appreciated).

Acknowledge the effort. This is a very important point to remember. If you were playing pitch and catch with a child, and they were struggling to catch the ball, you wouldn’t demean them by saying how terrible they are, and you can’t believe they missed the ball again. No, you would say, just keep trying, you’re doing okay, you are going to get it. We tend to forget this simple yet powerful practice when we become adults. We all need encouragement, especially if we are trying something new or doing our best with something that we are not very good. We need to acknowledge our spouse’s efforts as much or sometimes more than the outcomes. Have you ever watched your spouse wrestle with a task that had them fit to be tied? What’s important at that moment is to acknowledge all their hard work and the effort they are putting into it, not that they haven’t yet figured it out. This is the perfect time to express your appreciation for their efforts and to tell them – “just keep swimming.” (Sorry, I couldn’t resist that one.)

One last thing, don’t keep score. Give compliments without expecting to receive them in return, or at least as frequently as you may give them. We are all works in progress on this one. Some are better at it than others and some need more work on it. Remember that compliments are your opportunity to make your little corner of the world (i.e. your marriage and family) a brighter and happier place, and in this case, they really are their own reward.

God Bless,

Doug Hedrick

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